Friday, November 23, 2007

Do you ever feel like you go through life just faking it?

Do you ever feel like you're going through life just winging it? I used to feel like this all the time working at La Canada Elementary. I always felt like all the teachers had their acts together but I was just faking it most of the time, hoping no one would really notice I had no clue what I was doing. So... yeah... just winging it through life. I am especially feeling that way while here in Germany. Each day brings a sensory overload of events that I try to process... poorly. Behind the wheel of the car I'm always freaking out wondering if I really have the "right of way" or if I'll inadvertently cause an accident. In the kitchen I'm always trying to unlock the mystery of the German oven, constantly checking my food to see if it's overdone, or still raw in the middle. Grocery trips are another mystery... what is this called, what does that do, do they have such an item, and my goodness... what on earth do I do with this? On the rare occasion I try to ask for a specific cut of beef at the butcher, who knows what I will actually receive. Pharmacy/Apotheke trips are the same thing. Shoe sizes and clothing stores... who knows how they really do the sizing. Every time I think I start to "get it" there's something that doesn't quite apply. Understanding German etiquette and when I've offended someone or not done something I "should" have done.... and trying to understand anyone with my very limited German language skills always sounds like the teacher in the "Charlie Brown" shows. I'm sure I sound just as muffled to them as they do to me. Then there's just the whole trying to adapt to my current life as a stay-at-home Hausfrau rather than working mom. I don't consider myself a very "domestic" person so I feel like a fish out of water every day. Oh yeah, and we still haven't unpacked and I have a newborn. Am I really an adult when I feel like a kid myself? Am I really responsible for two young kids? Am *I* really supposed to be setting an example for someone else? When did all of that happen? I keep thinking I'll forget WIllem in the house while I'm taking Gerrit to his Tagesmutter, or forget to pick up a kid or accidentally leave Willem downstairs when I head up to bed. I'm trying, but it's a miracle that I haven't accidentally killed myself or one of my kids in this whole process. So yeah... each day I feel like I'm winging it through my life, faking it, and hoping that no one will really catch on that I have no clue what I'm really doing.


At November 29, 2007 at 12:13 PM , Blogger Adrienne said...

Sweetie - we're all "just winging it" through life. I remember telling my brother (one of the smartest people I know) that I was afraid that someone might discover that I have no idea what I'm doing and they'd come and take my degrees. Funny thing was he said he feels the same way sometimes.


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